WHAT NURTURES YOU?

I went to lunch today with my friend Wayne, his wife and their house guest, Jim Rohn, who was visiting from the mainland. Meeting their guest was of particular interest to me as he is a renowned author and speaker who recently returned from Siberia where he spoke before 11,000 people about capitalism! It was a rare treat and an opportunity I couldn't miss.

The lunch was memorable not only for the company but for the exquisite food that was prepared. My friend, Wayne, had invited me to lunch at the newest restaurant in Kona. The owner and chef, Amy Ferguson-Ota, is ranked among the top 10 female chefs in the country. She was formerly the head chef at the Ritz Carlton, here on The Big Island and was chosen to appear on the CD rom disk "Julia Child Home Cooking with Master Chefs" along with some of the greatest master chefs in the country such as Alice Waters of "Chez Paines" and Jeremiah Tower of "Stars" in San Francisco and Jean-Louis Palladin whose restaurant is named after him and located in the Watergate Building in Washington, D.C.

Our lunch was early and I returned home to savor the rest of the afternoon by the ocean. The hours passed and I could not get the experience out of my mind. The food had me captivated. The tastes continued to linger on my palate, almost obsessively. We had shared an assortment of Amy's offerings, a couple of appetizers and three entrees. One entree in particular had all of my attention and it was the one that for hours distracted me from everything I was attempting to do. The dish had been risotto with seared duck, exotic mushrooms and roasted red peppers. The flavor was extraordinary. Because the company had also been enchanting, I wasn't focused on all of the ingredients of the dish. At the time, I simply knew it was outrageously delicious and I ate myself full!

By 5:00 p.m. I was on the phone searching for a dinner mate who would join me at Amy's so that I could once again experience those flavors. I tried everyone and by 7:15 p.m., that point where I usually decide, the heck with it, I'll make something at home, I was out the door, on my way to Amy's alone.

Now, you need to understand, I love great food! I am a great cook and I really appreciate complex, subtle flavors that are melded together BUT my behavior at this point was bordering on obsessively ridiculous! I was watching myself appear like a fascinated child seeing a butterfly for the first time but then needing to catch it. I had to have that flavor again!

I arrived at Amy's swiftly as everything in Kona is very nearby. I sat down at the last table that was available. I ordered a spring roll as an appetizer and waited for this "crown jewel" of risotto dishes to arrive.

I was not disappointed! It was as glorious as it had been 7 hours before! The plate was heaping, definitely enough to bring home for tomorrow…I was in heaven!

As I made my way through this creation, now alone and more able to discern the flavors, I realized that the taste that had me obsessing was a very finely chopped green herb of some sort set in amongst the diced duck, roasted red peppers and exotic mushroom. I ate my way through nearly half the plate of risotto and could not glean the flavor. I spoke with Amy for a time and could have asked her what the "magic" ingredient was in this dish but I wanted to figure it out for myself as I knew there was a gift waiting for me in this whole experience that was WAY beyond my crazy behavior over a simple dish of pasta.

I had to know what that ingredient was! What was it that had my consciousness and my subconscious so mesmerized? I decided to pick out those little green flecks and gently gnaw them in between my teeth until I figured out what this was that had me so ready to grapple for more.

I finally realized what it was…like a mother's smell to her baby, I had found what I was hungry for. Tears welled up in my eyes and I realized…it wasn't the food at all. What I was searching for in that flavor was…Love.

In 1984, I did my first "self improvement" course. That course was swiftly followed by the next and most profound course I have ever done, save The Avatar Course, called "The Wall." "The Wall" is presented by Context Associated, Inc. in several locations around the country. My "Wall" was a 5 day live-in retreat at a location in the mountains of Washington State.

Because I was "new" to the self improvement field, I didn't even question what the format was of the retreat. I was so excited at the opening I had discovered at the first course I did, that I was just jumping to do the next one! I didn't find out until arrival at the site that this was going to be an earth shaking experience for the cloaked, protected, shielded little automaton that I had taken 38 years to engineer myself to be.

(Preface: I give away no confidences now as "The Wall" in this form no longer exists.)

This "retreat" was like boot camp! Not only did they tell us exactly what items in our luggage that we could keep, they then hauled every other one of our belongings away for a destination unknown. At the briefing, they informed us this was a silent retreat and the only talking we were allowed would be as we stood alone, in front of the rest of the group, in the program room, every morning and every evening and spoke our Truth to these 50 total strangers. We could not even make eye contact with another participant. There was absolutely no communication. This retreat was about inward discovery….not outward distractions. This retreat was about finding out who we really were.

No makeup, no tee shirts with logos. All "identities" were eliminated. For breakfast they served us oatmeal, something I had never even eaten before. For lunch we each got a single piece of fruit and a handful of trail mix. For dinner, we sat down to a bowl of "Wall Rice," a scant mixture of inexpensive vegetables and brown rice. This was not the Vicky of today, who revels in Tofu and vegetarian delights. This was the meat eating, social consciousness and VERY un-granola kind of Vicky who had never even heard of brown rice…I was aghast!

As I sit here now, tears rolling down my cheeks again, I remember with joy one of the biggest shocks to that vintage 1984 Vicky. It was the first time that I slid away to the break room at "The Wall" to garner what I thought would be one of my only salvations in this depraved experience, a steaming cup of freshly brewed coffee. I carefully put my "Vicky" labeled cup under the protruding spout and watched in anticipation as a VERY thinly colored liquid poured out. "Of course!," I thought, "between all the rest of this sensory depravation, they surely would not give us one ounce of pleasure by serving us something most of us genuinely loved, fresh hot coffee!"And the worst part of the experience was that I couldn't even whine to anyone…talking, eye contact, or any kind of communication whatsoever was not what I had agreed to!

I took a deep breath…I gazed into the cup…5 days of this. Oh well, it had to be tea, right?…right?…right?

NO, wrong! As I took a big gulp of this thinly cast liquid, I almost lost it all! It wasn't tea! What the ____ was this ____!?!?!?!

I returned to the program room steaming. Even before I had the chance to ask, someone else was hot on the topic. "What is this crap?…Where is our caffeine?…It barely has a taste and what taste is there is putrid!"

We were told…"It is lemon grass tea and you will learn to like it."

F_________________________!!!!!!!!! NEVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!NEVER…NEVER…NEVER!!!

The 5 days wore on. Everyday for the 5 days, at every break, I headed for the break room. None of my "usuals" to comfort, nothing of the old to pacify, nothing to numb out on…just lemon grass tea. High in the mountains, I had only 2 choices, cold water or some warm dishwater like stuff called lemon grass tea.

With all the resistance I could muster, which weakened each day, I reluctantly but repeatedly continued to chose the lemon grass tea.

"The Wall" ended up being one of the most powerful and loving experiences of my life. I went to work for Context Associated full time, 12 hours a day as a volunteer after my "Wall" experience. I assisted "The Wall" every chance I got and I set up my own office and created a new position at Context, enrolling other volunteers to assist "The Wall" too. I adored that course and I still do. I have never seen so many Souls come to light that had been so firmly hidden away. The process was and still is amazing. I went back a couple of years ago to assist again and probably will as long as they present that course. It is a magical transformation that people go through and deeply humbling to be a part of.

Whewwww…

So…remember Wayne and Amy, my lunch, dinner and the risotto? Well, you guessed it, lemon grass…that was the "magical" ingredient. That flavor, that aroma so deeply etched in my being. The experience I was truly looking for, the hunger that I had was for what I found at "The Wall" as day after day I "got off it" and drank the lemon grass tea...Home, Peace, God, Knowing, Self, Love.

In those 5 days at "The Wall," I had gotten off every "position" that I previously had locked in and called "my life." In those 5 days, I had learned that letting go is the only way to be free...even when it came to lemon grass tea.

Thank you God…thank you Context…and thank you Amy for reminding me how sweet life can be when I savor the flavor of nurturing mySelf and leave all my identities in the closet.

Well, time to go. It's 1:30 a.m. and I think I'd like to go open my leftover risotto and breathe in some magic memories and bring it all back to the present and thank God I am alive here and now!

What tastes are nurturing to you? Are you conscious of them? What sights…what sounds…what smells? Do you remember warm soup or special cookies? Falling leaves or winter snow? What sends your heart remembering? What brings you Bliss, comfort or joy? Can you treat yourself to those things right now and bring back the Love to the present? Are you willing to give yourself that gift right now?

Until next time…

Aloha,
Vicky