Vicky's Story

"Choices"

I was 19 years old when I gave my baby up for adoption. It was a choice and that choice was one of many that I could have made.
For the 30 years prior to Nina finding me, I was "absolutely" certain that giving her up was the "right" thing to do. Since our reunion, I have experienced layers upon layers of regret and since our reunion, I have been "absolutely" certain that giving her up was the "wrong" thing to do.
I am a teacher of metaphysical principles. I teach that we are experiencers of life and that we create our own reality.
Please understand, that when I say "we create our own reality," I am not leaving God out of the picture. In fact, from my point of view, God is the only picture and it is from that state of Grace that we create from.
I teach that we create our reality, (situations and events in our lives,) simply for the experience of experiencing them. I teach that labels of "right" or "wrong" or "good" or "bad" only serve to limit our experience and that they are arbitrary and not the "Truth."
Until today, I did not own that teaching for myself about giving my baby away. My pregnancy and the "trauma" and the "ordeal" was one of those places where "it all applies..................except...here."
I was in a mental loop, believing that there was a "right way," a "good way," a proper way for me to have been. I could not see my way out of the clutter, the mind masturbation, of trying to "figure it all out" and get it "right."
Then today, my dear friend Richard Levy, the minister of our church, reminded me of a wonderful story that I had heard many years ago. Richard's lesson was about judgment and labeling and...thank God for Richard and the support he lends to me staying in Truth. I have cleared my confusion and have real peace in my decision.
The story goes like this;

There once was a very wise man who lived in a village. He had a family and a wonderful farm. One day a beautiful white stallion presented himself to the man. The people of the village, upon seeing the stallion, said; "Oh you must sell this beautiful horse before he runs away, back to the wild from where he came. He will bring you much money. You must sell this beautiful horse." The wise man said, "No, all I know is that I have a beautiful horse." I do not know that I am suppose to sell him or that he will run away. I just know that I have a horse."
Some time passed, and the beautiful white stallion left the ranch. The people of the village came to the man and said; "See, we told you, you should have sold the horse. He has run away, like we said, and now you have nothing. You should have sold the horse." The wise man replied; "No, all I know is that I do not have the horse. I do not know that I should have sold him. I do not know that he has run away. All I know is that the horse is not here."
Some time passed and the horse returned to the farm. When he returned, he brought with him 12 more wild horses. The people of the village came to the man. They said; "You were right, the horse did not run away. He only left to bring back more horses. This is good. It is good that you now have all of these wild horses." The man said; I don’t know that it is good or bad. All I know is that I now have many horses."
As time again passed, the farmer’s son started to train the wild horses. One day while training, the son was injured and broke both of his legs. The people of the village came to the man and said; "See, we were right, you should not have kept that white horse. Because of him, your son now has 2 broken legs and cannot walk." The man replied to the villagers, "I do not know that it is good or bad that I kept the horse. All I know is that my son has two broken legs."
More times passed, and a war broke out with another village. The men were expected to go fight a foe which they had very little chance of beating. All men of fighting age were summoned to the task...except...the farmer’s son as he was incapacitated with his two broken legs. Once again, the people of the village came to the man. This time they said; "You were right, it was a good thing that you kept that white horse. Because of that horse, your son has two broken legs and will not be called to war and surely die like the rest of our sons. The man replied; "I do not know if I should have kept the white horse or not. All I know is that my son will not be going to war."

The people of the "village" are the many voices in my head; "right/wrong," "good/bad," "yes/no," label, label, figure, figure, decide, decide, decide...the circus of the mind plays on...
I will never know what was right or wrong because it won’t be over until it is over and even then...I know...it won’t be over.
There is no "right" or "wrong." There are only choices. I made one choice 30 years ago and today, I will make another...and then another...and then another...
I am reminded of a quote from the book "Illusions" by Richard Bach;

The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy.
What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the master calls a butterfly.

Thank you God, thank you Richard Levy and thank you Richard Bach.
Thank you, Nina, for our reunion.
I love you all,
Vicky

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